Thoughts || 5 Things Newlyweds Learn

 

   Okay, I have not been on Blogger for a really long time, and it shows!So much has happened in the past several months! When I wrote my last post, the pandemic was just beginning and I had only been married for a few weeks. Little did I know how crazy life would get. I hope that you are are all staying well and sane during this season, as all of us are dealing with unanticipated changes.

   Before writing this post, I decided to pose a question to my female friends on social media about how the first year of marriage changed their expectations of how it would be. There were a few responses, which I will weave in with my own thoughts. By the way, this post is not just for married women, expectant fiancees, or girlfriends. My hope is also for single women to get insight on what to expect in their future and how to relate to their married friends. 

   Side Note: If anyone has had their spouse abuse, cheat on, or leave them, I am truly sorry. This post is not meant to exclude the fact that both men and women have had unexpected experiences after getting married that have been far from pleasant. My aim is to describe the general experience of young Christian wives in healthy marriages. 

So here is a list of five surprising things we learn when we are first married....

1) Yes, marriage is hard, but not as hard as we might have guessed.

   There is a projected idea of marriage being really hard, and our modern culture definitely doesn't help with its depiction of marriage being tantamount to imprisonment.Well, let me assure you, several of my friends and I can attest to the fact that marriage is not as hard as we thought it might be.Yes, it's hard to be kind to someone who gets on your nerves sometimes, to learn to communicate, to change your personal habits, and so on. But so far, I don't find myself trying my best not to hate my husband every moment of the day. In fact, I'm actually happy to spend time with him most of the time! The reality is, if you marry someone already knowing that the two of you are compatible and that he is a godly man, sailing is going to be much smoother than you might fear. This isn't to say you are never going to fight or have conflicts to work through, but rather that on the whole your experience can be quite positive. 

2) At the same time, we go through unexpected hardships in the first year. 

   A little over a month after my husband and I got married, the country was locked down because of the pandemic. Soon, social unrest followed, and recently we have been surrounded by wildfires. Other personal issues like aches, pains, and busyness at work have stretched us both. One of my friends shared that the vow to be faithful "in sickness and health" didn't just refer to her and her husband, as they experienced the illness and death of a loved one in the first year of marriage. The fact is, while some things may be easier than expected, other surprising trials may come up. Though times get rough, we are now facing them with our teammates, with the opportunity to grow in the Lord and in our relationships. 

3) We are not instant super-wives and probably will never be.

   A few weeks ago I was talking to my dear friend who was married nearly two years ago. Odd as it may seem, we discussed how much it took for us to mentally process the fact that we were buying frozen veggies and other "convenience" foods.You see, my highest expectations in marriage have been for my own self. I get discouraged when I don't manage to be the amazing cooking/cleaning/working/beautiful wife I want myself to be or to think that after two months of marriage I should run a household as well as my mom could after twenty years! My husband has been really good at telling me that these are things I am putting on myself and he does not expect me to do everything all the time - getting myself to believe that is where the difficulty lies! Nevertheless, no woman can handle the pressure of perfection and it is okay to do things like eat frozen food a couple nights a week to maintain your sanity. In addition, it is okay that a woman is not her mom, best friend, pastor's wife, or grandma- every woman and every couple is different. We prioritize different things, and have different strengths and weaknesses. I have to remember, it was me my husband married, not my potential to be someone else. 

3) Love is good, but it is not an extravagant fairy tale.

   One friend responded wisely to my social media question, sharing that love wasn't as grand as she had expected, but that it was the little things that truly mattered. This meant dwelling on the positive, meaningful little things rather than the small annoyances. As women, we are prone to imagining falling in love being like a sweeping screenplay with a soundtrack to match. Having someone committed to you for the rest of your life is wonderful, and sometimes romantic candlelit dinners or nights watching the sunset are in order to celebrate. At other times, a young wife may find herself folding laundry on the couch sitting next to a husband who is nodding off to a movie because he's worked extremely hard supporting them all day. They're still together, and that's what really matters.

4) Marriage makes you realize that singleness is good.

   Looking back at being single now, I realize just how much free time I had, especially since I lived with my parents. Though I've always had low energy, now with added responsibilities of being married I have even less energy for hobbies and a social life. I also want to be with my hubby during my free time! Besides its free time, another thing about singleness I have realized is that it is not a lesser state than marriage (read 1 Corinthians 7). I didn't reach an apex of spiritual growth when I was suddenly wife material, and indeed, my immaturity has really come out after marriage! It was simply God's plan for me to start maturing more alongside one of His precious sons. Both singleness and marriage have ups and downs, and opportunities to trust the Lord. 

5) Our single friends are still our friends.

   In closing, I want to add something that ties in with my last point. Though I can't speak for every everyone, I'm guessing that this applies for many women who recently transitioned to marriage. I don't think of my single friends as second-class beings or Christians. We may not have all the same experiences, and we may be working on different areas of growth. At the same time, we are still friends and I can appreciate who they are and what God is doing in their lives. Nothing changes the fact that we can still love and have fellowship with each other. 

What would you add to this list? 

Better is a little with the fear of the Lord

Than great treasure and turmoil with it.

17 

Better is a dish of vegetables where love is

Than a fattened ox served with hatred.

Psalm 15:16-17